Two 18-holes worth of reasons why being a caddie is better than being an actuary

1. The phone rarely rings.
2. When the phone does ring, it's not for you.
3. You never work past sundown.
4. You never work before sunup.
5. Your astute clients recognize that your boss I a no-talent glad-handing, boot-licking back-stabber.
6. Your clients are mostly astute.
7. Your clients never ask for an itemized statement to verify your charges.
8. Your answers are always positive numbers.
9. When you make a mistake, both you and your client know it, so you don't have to, or even attempt to, pass the buck.
10. Your clients know that most of the disasters which befall them are due to their own shortcomings, not you mistakes.
11. Vice presidents don't seek your counsel' they'd ignore it anyway, and then blame you for being correct.
12. You'll never be a vice president.
13. Fortune 50 CEO's and CFO's seek your counsel, trust your counsel, and make every effort to abide by it.
14. When an assignment takes longer than expected to complete, it's at most a matter of two hours, and it was not your fault.
15. You don't need to invent jargon to convince your clients that they need your services.
16. Both you and your clients know that although they don't need your services, they will perform better if you are there than if they are alone.
17. Even when your client needs your psychotherapeutic services, they usually don't need your baby-sitting services.
18. When you client complains about your services, you know they needed a baby-sitter.

19. When your client thanks you for doing a great job, you know they mean it, and you know they are correct.
20. You never need to equivocate. If you're not sure, you say so, and tell why.
21. If you do equivocate, you do so out of kindness – not for money.
22. Four is an acceptable score.
23. Three is a very good score.
24. Two is a great score.
25. One is the best score of all.
26. There are no zeroes.
27. There are no mid-life or existential crises; you've chosen your profession because you enjoy it, not because you're paid more than you're worth to book-lick and suck up.
28. You can chain smoke in the office.
29. You can urinate on the office with no reproach.
30. You don't have to count the sick and the dead.
31. You serve the living.
32. You never have to be told that your check is in the mail.
33. You can do your job even when the computer goes down.
34. On your worst day at the office, your client loses money and you get struck dead by lightning.
35. On that worst day when you get struck dead by lightning, the club establishes a scholarship fund for your progeny and awaits with trepidation your personal injury attorney's lawsuit.
36. When you die and go to hell, the club member who never gave you the benefit of the doubt are caddying for you on Medinah #3, in 100 degree heat and all the water fountains are broken. You have ample cold beer, but you can't share with them, because the rule is, in hell as on earth, caddies cannot drink beer on the course.